I hopped on the wrong express train by accident the other day, effectively wasting about 90 minutes of my time. I was just tempted to write that I was "derailed" which would be a great use of a train metaphor, but instead I'm going to go with a sports metaphor - getting on the wrong train is like striking out in the bottom of the ninth; it sucks. You're probably thinking right now, "Blake that wasn't a metaphor it was an analogy." Well fuck you, because that was just a test. And it's opposite day anyway, so none of this shit matters. Now you've got me flustered.
I've lost my train of thought. This post is a train wreck. FUCK, let me just get it out of my system...TRAIN TRAIN TRAIN HARRIET TUBMAN TRAIN TRAIN BANGBUS TRAIN!!!
Sorry about that; I took a bunch of English courses in college, and managed to get consistent B's by writing all my papers about metaphors and things being phallic. And my senior thesis was on the engineering pioneers that helped make the underground railroad more eco-friendly. Was that in bad taste (food metaphor)?
Alright I promise no more metaphors. Pinky swear.
Today I picked up take out food - a BLT (food acronym!) and fries. The girl in line in front of me was ordering. She was not fat, but certainly not skinny. While ordering, she made a clear point to pause and remember what her "boyfriend" wanted. Eventually she recalled that "he" wanted two slices of pepperoni and a salad. I call bullshit. That is the classic "big girl who is embarrassed of ordering big-girl meal so pretends she is picking up food for someone else" move. Who do you think your [sic] kidding lady? At least she gives probably really really really good blowjobs. I also assume that her name is [insert name of any girl that ever dumped me]. Damn that was cold. You're probably thinking, "but Blake, you gained like 30 pounds in college and never lost it. Who are you to talk about weight issues. Isn't there a double-sided standard?" Yes, you are correct again. But I'm a dude, so I can be jolly and fun and stuff. Also, I can drive a golf ball 15 yards farther now and beat my dad in an arm wrestling match, which is cool. My blowjobs could use some work though.
I'm going to end with something provocative - today is NOT opposite day.
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1 comment:
reminds me a little of once when my buddy jay and i were at a mcdonald's. he ordered, no joke, ten sandwiches from the dollar menu (a relatively common order for him). there was a slight pause as the cashier looked at him with a sort of shocked and horrified look and he smiled at her as he said, "you know, for the family."
also, here's an instructional vid to sharpen your beej skills.
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