David Archuleta Sex Tape!

(The title of this post is intended to mislead perverted google searchers)

Statement #1: I usually make sound financial decisions.
Supporting Evidence: I contribute regularly to my Roth 401K, and I invest in value stocks. Last year my portfolio increased 35%!

Statement #2: I am good at math.
Supporting Evidence: I was in Math Olympiad as a kid, a program so exclusive that students "must earn a scaled score of 719 or higher on the New York State Math Assessment test (taken in the spring of Grade 5)". The lessons I learned about math, love, and most importantly, life, stay with me to this day.

Statement #3: I am a fucking idiot.
Supporting Evidence: .....

My sister Erin learned yesterday that she has been accepted to coach lacrosse in England next year at a private school. Big it up girl! Upon hearing the news, I called home to congratulate her and immediately began planning my trip to Europe. I've never been there before, and now I have a perfect excuse to take a long vacation to explore some cool countries.

I was talking to my Dad regarding convenient scheduling and candidly mentioned that I'm going back to Las Vegas in September. He flipped out; that statement alone may have taken 4 years off his life. Not to get into details, but some highlights of last year's trip are:

-Buying a sweet Tag Heuer watch
-Calling waitresses "Honey" with confidence for the first time in my life
-Meeting big girls (see picture, which has been carefully doctored to conceal my true identity)


The only downside of the trip was that I spent a fair portion of my annual income at the tables and on "entertainment" (I'll leave that open to your imagination).

The money lost was a big hit on my wallet. I sold some stock and managed to get back on my feet. My Dad was incredibly disappointed in me when I told him. His paternal instinct to worry kicked in and he even suggested I seek help for a gambling problem.

This all being said, he considered my decision to go back to Vegas incredibly foolish. Fearing the worst, following our conversation, he wrote me this email:

Hey Stu Unger,

I got a deal for you. If you promise me that you will not go to Las Vegas I will give you $1,000 for your trip to Europe.

Going to Vegas would be a terrible mistake for you to make.

Let me know.

Upon reading this I considered the opportunity cost of going to Las Vegas. Keep in mind that the gambling expenses used below are based on the assumption of a 5% house advantage, $25 average bet, 80 bets per hour, and 25 total hours of gambling:

$1000 - Money could have received from Dad
$750 - Flight & Room
$2500 - Gambling [(25*80*25)*.05]
$750 - "Entertainment"
Total - $5000

If statement #1 carried any weight in my deliberations, I would take the offer in a heartbeat...What's that Howie? You need an answer? (Pause 20 seconds, anxiously holding head in hands) Confidently proclaim "NO DEAL!"

And thus I give you supporting evidence that I am a fucking idiot.

Hot or Not?

Last summer I sought to create a rating index which would help me objectively objectify women and assess their potential as a mate. Points were awarded as follows (100 point scale) - Hair (5), Body (15), Face (30), Eyes (20), Culture (9), Sense of Humor (4), Intelligence (9), Innocence (8). Needless to say, upon peer review many were critical of this model. Some excerpts follow below. I've omitted inside jokes. Warning: some of this is mental masturbation combined with too much time on our hands, but I hope you find it somewhat entertaining...
[Note: The original Excel spreadsheet is available via email request]

Jerry
Its interesting that "Face" and "eyes" are separate and yet combined they come to 50% of the total score. This would suggest that you'd consider dicking a knocked up dumb ass bald fat chick who had the hottest face/eye combo. If this is in fact the case, I could probably find you one on the internet. Also, you might want to add a "thin as a wafer" column.

Doc
I remember there was some discussion last June about how having separate categories for Face and Eyes was somewhat redundant; I briefly considered merging them into one quotient and then reducing their combined worth from 50% of the aggregate score to a more reasonable figure, but then decided I'd rather not manipulate the raw scores (those out of 100 for each category) provided by Blake. So instead I only lowered Face from 30% to 28% and Eyes from 20% to 14%.

Of course, I do agree that Blake's fondness for eye quality does suggest some nostalgic opinion of romance as well as some awareness for the enigmatic nature of female beauty, but I think this 20% figure is outdated and maybe unreasonable if we are really thinking about these girls (here, girl A to girl I) as potential soulmates or "blakemates," to conform to the lexicon.

In general, I should make clear that my statistical tweaking is not to indicate my tastes, but only to indicate my perception of what Blake's tastes actually are.

For example, the other noticeable changes to Blake's rubric are my modest increase awarded to the "culture" factor and a threefold, almost exponential, rise in "sense of humor's" importance. We are all aware of Blake's highbrow and nuanced taste in music and his preference for being around people with solid academic pedigree. Even more obvious is Blake's requirement that his intimates appreciate and understand his own jokes.

The rest is just minor fudging in order to get a rounded sum of 100 total points.

Some trends I found: First, it was not easy to moderate Eyes' significance as there is obvious self-selection on the part of Blake to consent to girls that he thinks have high-quality eyes -- a total of 4 girls had perfect 100s for Eyes, a sum only rivaled by Body. Personally, I found this relationship to be interesting, as typically only the effete, aesthetic or naive would be so attracted to eyes and only the horny or the particular might be so clingy to body beauty.

In contrast, only 1 young lady scored a perfect 100 for sense of humor. This could either reflect Blake's high standards for jokes or his surprising sexual compass.

As expected, there was some correlation between face and eyes, as well as between the three variables of culture, sense of humor and intelligence. Except for Girl A, Girl B and Girl D, who all managed to be unsophisticated and boring despite their smarts.

I expected that Blake would have scrambled or randomly ordered Girls A - I so as to prevent our ability to "guess" who each anonymous variable might represent, though one characteristic of his table makes me doubtful: that the Innocence factor decreases consistently with each consecutive girl, perhaps signaling the general trend for girls to become more experienced or worn with time.

As a true scientist, I will let my data stand for itself, and caution from making any unwise conclusions. Enjoy!

Blake
Doc - You are a clever wordsmith no doubt, and make some worthwhile observations. However upon first look I notice one critical flaw...

The "looks" versus "personality" [ratio] is essential. While women's [looks] are obviously objectified to an extent, I believe I was generous in my 30% allocation to personality. Your model allocated 39% to personality (an increase of 30%!). So if someone were to score below average, say 70, on the "looks" and get a perfect "personality" score she would total 72.7, or an unsuitable mate.

I admit the beta version needs tweaking, however the 70/30 split must remain.

Tim
The Chairman objects to the fanciful and indulgent nature of the current categories, and demands that more attention be paid to the following:

'Shame Index'
Manual Strength/Dexterity
Scythework (an extension of the above)
Vertebral Integrity
Downtroddenicity

Each category is to be weighed equally. National dedication to the insertion of one's shameful genetic deliverance module into the grateful receptacle of mates exhibiting equal proficiency in the above categories will assure eternal prosperity for future generations.

Blake
I've considered your argument and feel that only Scythework should be included...[worthless blabber]...On a somewhat related note, subjects will be deducted 9 points if they have sickle cell anemia.

Jeb
in bullet form:

• having nearly completed "war and peace" and once having taken a turn of the 20th century russian history seminar, i agree wholeheartedly on the importance of scythework.

• as for the debate on whether eyes and face should be separate or not, i believe in separation, much like church and state (eyes~church and face~state) and cite billy idol in my defense.
["Eyes Without a Face" link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpmWIyjilQo]

Katie
LAYDEEEZZZ,

can we get a rating system of our own??? I'm not making no FUCKING Excel document, cause that shit's for nerds, but I will propose the following catergories to determine a man's worthiness.

Ability to Fix Things
Natural Musk
Body Hair Quality
Sporting Talents
Literacy
Jokesmanship
CUDDLING
Beefiness

Additions, suggestions, percentiles? Please add!

Bridget
Great start katie.
I'd like to add a few for the ladies.

wideness of stance
sweet party moves
number of joke tattoos
emotional depth (most points for an emotional depth of .5)
Lose points based on hours a day spent playing video games.

And factor in the well known Taney Girth Equation (C/L)
when the fraction is greater than 1, you enter an entirely different bracket.

[Editor's Note: actual girth equation is length/2X width. Less than or equal to one indicates girth. For example: 7/(2*3.5)= 1]

Tim
Might I suggest:

Emotional width
Semen consistency (both in terms of material gradient and degree of reliability)
Haunch strength
'Badgerstyle' proficiency

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blake back. I enjoy this debate, so any input is appreciated.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*UPDATE*

Reader Nat from Massachusetts adds the following:

Hey guys. I'm happy to see that you're taking it upon yourselves to smoosh the complexities of human personality and morphometrics into a few pithy variables. It's like a Principal Components Analysis. When Blake finally chooses to breed, oh man...

Also...meet my new favorite baseball player. He's blind, but he can actually HEAR the spin on incoming pitches. Amazing!

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/players/profile?statsId=7812

Can Hillary pull it off?

I hopped on the wrong express train by accident the other day, effectively wasting about 90 minutes of my time. I was just tempted to write that I was "derailed" which would be a great use of a train metaphor, but instead I'm going to go with a sports metaphor - getting on the wrong train is like striking out in the bottom of the ninth; it sucks. You're probably thinking right now, "Blake that wasn't a metaphor it was an analogy." Well fuck you, because that was just a test. And it's opposite day anyway, so none of this shit matters. Now you've got me flustered.

I've lost my train of thought. This post is a train wreck. FUCK, let me just get it out of my system...TRAIN TRAIN TRAIN HARRIET TUBMAN TRAIN TRAIN BANGBUS TRAIN!!!

Sorry about that; I took a bunch of English courses in college, and managed to get consistent B's by writing all my papers about metaphors and things being phallic. And my senior thesis was on the engineering pioneers that helped make the underground railroad more eco-friendly. Was that in bad taste (food metaphor)?

Alright I promise no more metaphors. Pinky swear.

Today I picked up take out food - a BLT (food acronym!) and fries. The girl in line in front of me was ordering. She was not fat, but certainly not skinny. While ordering, she made a clear point to pause and remember what her "boyfriend" wanted. Eventually she recalled that "he" wanted two slices of pepperoni and a salad. I call bullshit. That is the classic "big girl who is embarrassed of ordering big-girl meal so pretends she is picking up food for someone else" move. Who do you think your [sic] kidding lady? At least she gives probably really really really good blowjobs. I also assume that her name is [insert name of any girl that ever dumped me]. Damn that was cold. You're probably thinking, "but Blake, you gained like 30 pounds in college and never lost it. Who are you to talk about weight issues. Isn't there a double-sided standard?" Yes, you are correct again. But I'm a dude, so I can be jolly and fun and stuff. Also, I can drive a golf ball 15 yards farther now and beat my dad in an arm wrestling match, which is cool. My blowjobs could use some work though.

I'm going to end with something provocative - today is NOT opposite day.

I think I want to live the sporting life

Often I think about "What ifs." It's cliche (don't know how to insert accent et gu), but a common thought process in my life nonetheless. Somehow it always circles back to "What if I was born in 1953?"

By the time I would have reached my current age (25), I'd have experienced so many awesome things (not awesome as in "cool," but more like "far beyond what is usual, normal, or customary"): Vietnam, fake moon landing, Kennedy assassination, Watergate, etc. But these would all pale in comparison to what likely would be the most powerful experience of life - the Disco era. My uncle was a DJ at Studio 54 in the 70's, which was notorious for "the hedonism that went on within; the balconies were known for sexual encounters, and drug use was rampant." My parents frequented that club. My computer almost exploded typing that.

It's not that the current nightlife scene is bad; everyone enjoys a good grind dance once in awhile. With the exception of street poets Nas, Rakim, Jay-Z and Big L, I would prefer the powerful throbbing of bass lines with harmony parts played by the harp, viola, trumpet, saxophone, clarinet, flugelhorn, French horn, tuba, English horn, and in rare cases, skinflute.

To get more specific, age 25 would place me in 1978, the year arguably the greatest track was ever released - "Good Times" by Chic. It would be an outstanding year for me. I don't think aviation insurance was invented yet, so I'd probably work as a blacksmith by day and party like a disco freak ("Le Freak!") at night. Unfortunately I am stuck in 2008, where we live with the very real threats of global warming, Y2K and a woman president.

I accept the fact that Disco is dead, but this will not stop me from paying my respects every weekend night before I head out, where I throw down two shots of Jack and shotgun a beer to "Good Times." When my buddies and I ordered a Craigslist stripper last summer, I demanded that "Good Times" be played on repeat until the temptress showed up (she never did).

I'm not trying to be ironic. I legitimately love this music and wish I was around to experience it when it was popular. I DARE you to watch this clip and not share my sentiment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTQMMiHpeN8&feature=related