Feel free to rename this post

On Monday I had a pre-operation physical. I hadn’t been to a primary care physician in Chicago in my two years here, so I researched my options carefully. The three conditions were: (1) Must be female between ages 36-52, (2) must have attended an Ivy League University (or any school with an average SAT of >1400) and (3) must be in my healthcare network. With the help of the various internets I was able to locate one.

I was very pleased with her physical appearance. When she asked if I wanted a testicular cancer check, which she stressed was “optional” and that “not many patients your age need this” I replied, “I’d better be safe than sorry”. She cupped them gently with a patience, precision and tenderness parallel to Michelangelo putting the finishing touches on the Sistine Chapel. This really helped loosen me up before facing the inevitable needle – my greatest fear.

After I got my rocks off I entered the lab where they would draw blood. I was in the bed with my eyes closed and hand over my face so I could not see anything for the five minute wait, throughout the incident and a good five minutes after it was all said and done (to make sure I wouldn't faint after getting up). Drawing blood terrifies me to this extent. I remember thinking as I lay there, “this is worst experience of my life”. Amazingly, I managed to not shit myself or faint. In fact, the whole incident was a smashing success. And the icing on the cake – I don’t have HIV.

This made me re-evaluate my ridiculous fear. I mean, getting your balls cupped by a pro and a little needle pinch for twenty seconds was definitely not the worst experience of my life. At the same time, it made me think about things that I look forward to as the best experience(s) of my life.

(Note to family members who may be reading. STOP here.)

When I think about things I would like to be doing more than anything, sex always tops the list. But the more I think about it, it shouldn't (for me). The problem is that where most people have a rush of endorphins to their brain giving them great pleasure during the act, I am mostly concerned with style, technique, and endurance. It’s very mechanical. Honestly, the best pleasure I get from sex is the ego boost afterwards. Same may call this mindset crazy, but I'd prefer to think of myself as a visionary. The only exception to this rule is sex with lesbians. In this case I’m usually wearing a wig and dress, so the whole situation is very awkward.

(Note to future sex partners - I promise I will change my ways for you and turn into a passionate sex animal.)

So I thought about it more, and I realized the things that I get the most natural pleasure from and came up with these:

1. 100 yard chip shot landing within 10 feet of the pin
2. Eating pizza! I could eat pizza all day until my stomach exploded! I love pizza so much!
3. Having balls cupped


Question of the day: What's better protection - God or Guns?